Cultivate success from disappointment

Beauty is Pain

I know you are probably wondering why there is big picture of a clam shell with a pearl in it and where I plan to go with this..Well, If you have ever considered how a pearl is formed in nature or what it takes to “farm” a pearl, then you understand that in order for this beautiful object to be produced, it requires an irritant of some sort to invade it. While it is surely an uncomfortable process, the natural reaction is to protect itself from the foreign object in order to thrive.

Pressure makes diamonds and irritants make pearls–oh and don’t forget to turn lemons into lemonade! I am starting to see a theme here…and hopefully you can see where I’m going with this.

My Experience

When I think about my journey in the military, I had to take situations that were unpleasant and uncomfortable, and turn them into something beautiful.

In order to thrive and grow, I formed a protective layer that shielded me from the harm those situations or people may have otherwise caused me.

Poor leadership, missed opportunities, disappointment from failures, assignments that separated me from my husband, and the list goes on, all created what was needed in order for my pearl to form. Sometimes, I wanted to wish those experiences away, but I can now look back and be truly thankful. That might sound strange, but without their presence I would not have cultivated the career I have now and have the ability to use it to help others.

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

NLT

Pain to Purpose

Because I know what “bad” leadership looks like and how painful it was for me to experience it, I can help others going through that. Because I know what it feels like to get passed over for promotion by a couple of points due to not getting the awards and decorations I deserved, I can relate and help someone prevent that. Because I went through assignments where I was seperated from my husband and had to navigate all those emotions, I can help someone with that too. Nothing is wasted, and it all can be used for our good and our growth. To go through all that I went through and not help at least one person would mean I suffered in vain and I am not okay with that!

There is beauty in pain, and everyone experiences it-and it’s a lesson.

-Wynter Gordon

Lessons Learned

To be honest, I do not like complaining or sitting in pity for long, especially when I feel it is something I can’t control. But I realize that going back to get the lesson is super important so I will share a story to illustrate an “irritant turned to beauty” experience with you.

In 2017 I was eligible for promotion to E-7. Leading up to my testing, I set aside dedicated time for studying, I actually took leave now that I think about it. I took the initiative and got a year long position at the Group level working for the commander on her inspection program. I thought for sure I would get a stratification from my leadership which gives an advantage in the scoring process. I volunteered for several opportunities, one being mentoring at a local school in an underserved community, another was being the Project Officer (Projo) for a big inspection we had. I was well-rounded and I had a lot of outstanding accomplishments on my resume–so I thought.

When E-7 results finally came out and my name was not on that list, I was hurt. This was my 3rd time testing and I missed it by less than 3 points. I was devastated. I thought I had done everything right. So where did I go wrong?

I went to my leadership to get feedback, hoping to be told how I could strengthen my overall board score next year. You would have thought I asked someone to solve a complex calculus problem! That’s when I saw that the system was really subjective and sometimes your most valiant efforts will not gain you the success you desire. From that moment I was determined to crack this code.

Mindset shift

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”

-Maya Angelou

I tend to be self reflective and often look within when there is an issue I am trying to solve. Since I understand all too well that I can only control myself and what I do, I decided to go within. What could I have done differently, better, etc. When I reflected on how I approached relationships throughout that assignment and my career, something stood out. I was never really on the “inside”. I was able to mix and mingle and be pleasant with leadership and most people I worked with, but as far as forming meaningful relationships, you know the ones where people know you and want to help you because they have a connection with you? Yeah, I didn’t have that.

I later found out from an E-7 that I trusted and who always shot me straight, that leadership wanted to “take care of” the person they gave the strat to because they had been in longer. What adds insult to injury is that person still did not make E-7! –If I had been given the strat, the points I would have received would have qualified me for promotion to E-7.

So back to my self reflection…I also had little respect or tolerance for those who did not appear to be “working hard”. I now understand that was a limiting belief of mine–if you aren’t working hard then you are “lazy” and getting over. At work, I took myself WAY too seriously and saw goofing off as unacceptable when there was “so much work to be done”. But what I didn’t know was that in those times of “goofing off” relationships and bonds were being formed. And when it came to relationships with leadership, once I saw you as someone who was not consistent in how you disciplined or led our organization I lost respect for them and did not feel safe enough to be vulnerable and share my true self.

I started to see what my husband had told me for years. He said “you are not going to like everyone you work with but what I try to do is find one thing that I have in common with them or notice at least one strength that they have and start there to build a relationship”. People put more weight on how you make them feel than in the work you are doing. No matter how hard you think you are working, people still value relationships more.

No matter what my beliefs were on making sure I worked hard, I had to figure out how to build meaningful relationships that would ultimately benefit me so I could accomplish the goals and level of success that I wanted for myself.

Big Takeaway

A lesson to learn from all of this is that when people have a relationship with you they are more likely to help you. Please do not be blinded by the idea that your work should speak for itself and that putting your nose down and grinding is what is going to progress your career. If you are lucky, someone may go out of their way to recognize you. But from my experience you must not leave anything to chance and you must cultivate the experience you desire. You must forge the relationships that can influence your success. There is no way around that. The very true reality is, in most cases, human connection trumps technical skills any day and the type of relationship you have with those around you, leadership especially, can make or break your career. Period.

Don’t miss the next one!

Over the next few articles I want to share my method, called “BRAG”. The ‘B’ stands for “building meaningful relationships”, ‘R’ stands for “Realize your strengths and weaknesses”, ‘A’ stands for Ask for what you want with confidence, and ‘G’ stands for “Goal setting after you discover what you really want”.

Hopefully the name itself has intrigued you =) Can’t wait to explain why I purposely chose to name this method BRAG.

Until next time, Cultivate your excellence daily!